Allie B.

10:35 pm: I haven't had a phone for 4 days; liberating yet frustrating. It is amazing though, I'm still able to get food delivered to my apt at any time of the day. This technological age really does have some benefits. I've been in and out these past few days, looking at appliances and reading at local coffee shops. But I always come home after a few hours namely because my little kitty is here and I don't want her to be alone. Yet, whenever I'm home alone for more than 2 hours I start to feel like a shut in, like I should be outside or something. Then I sweep the idea out of my mind and go back to my reruns of Top Chef. But then some tv show makes a jab about shut ins, then another, then other, and I can't help but relate to that shut in which only confirms my belief that I must be one. So I get a little worried that I'm a recluse and I remember, Wait I'm happy! I'm happy and comfortable sitting here alone with my cat and tv and book and material shit. And if it makes me happy, hell it can't be that bad. So what outside force is planting these paranoid thoughts in my head? Is it the tv, telling us to always be doing and buying? Is it over anxious ppl, making us feel inferior to hide their own self doubts and insecurities? Is it just the lazy days of summer I'm finally spending in place far far from home? I'm not sure. It's probably a mix of all of it. What I know is, if I'm happy then I'm good. I do wish I had a phone so I could rid myself of this urge to call Max. I love all of you!

07:40 pm:

Your Personality Profile

You are sexy, powerful, and bold. You're full of passion and energy... Sometimes this passion has a dark side. You feel most alive when you're seducing someone. You never fail to get someone's attention. Quick minded, you're also quick to lose your temper!

01:48 am: Sunday Night Procrastination
As the few who read this may have noticed, I have made my journal friends only and I mean it. I'm sure we all read my last two entries, which are now erased forever. Well, I didn't even think that others out there besides my few lj friends would read it. But as it turns out, for the past year my guy friends at NYU like to log in and have a few laughs at my expense. Boy was my face red when they read the latest update of my life. And as if them reading it wasn't bad enough, they sent it to Keith. You cannot imagine the explaining I had to do to make up for that one. That explaining led to us getting back together. How am I such a pushover when it comes to boys? I hate boys! They have been the single source of all my unhappiness for the past 5 years. Why can't I get out of this? I can get out or into anything I want, except this. Really, I hate boyfriends!! I don't want one for a very very very long time.
I auditioned for an adler play this weekend. I went to the audition on Saturday with a lovely hangover then followed up with callbacks on no sleep after a night of hard drugs. I got the part! It's a very small part in a Christopher Durang play, The Marriage of Bette and Boo. I view Durang the same way I do Stephen King, He's good but sometimes takes it too far. I'm really excited for this show. The cast is, of course all Adler friends, so I expect hilarious rehersals. I knew the part I was going for was very small, but I figure for my first show at NYU this one is perfect. It's at studio, the whole cast and crew are familiar, the play is durang, and I don't know what other reason I need. I was getting a little overwhelmed by all the sudden auditions at Tisch, so I'm glad I found this and got in.
Also, Jackie I need to talk to you but I find it so hard to pick up my phone and call. So please call me. And Ricky, I feel like we haven't talked in ages. I miss you. Always know, even when I don't call you're still in my thoughts. God, I should write greeting cards.

11:11 pm: Watching Scream 3...scary scary scary. I think Neve has tears in her eyes in every scene. Today was another complete waste. Tomorrow I vow to find something to do instead of sleeping. I'm getting a lot of calls from friends in the big apple. Everyone is getting back and starting up all over again. I'm so excited to go back. I did love being in PC this summer. Working at the school was such a good idea. And although not everything worked out with every friend or every idea, it was still worth it. Lets face it though, 4 months in one place is not an easy thing. I wish I could have done so much more, but I regret nothing. There's no point in it. I am proud that I did my voice and speech exercizes on a regular basis. I have to get back though. I have a lot of big ideas for when I return, none specifically, but everyday is going to be dedicated to theatre and my craft. I have to keep focus. And I have to use my dish washer. Laura and I are going to be cooking fiends. This year has excitment written all over it!

01:31 pm: Jackie's Quizzes Suck but I'm so bored!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

06:47 pm: I finally have nothing better to do than go on the computer and listen to music. It's so nice when no one else is in the room. We had a recent edition to our room, her name was Lucy Armen Ian Jesse and Nora. There's at least two of them in the room at all times, even if Lucy is out. It sucks having absolutely no space. But next year Laura and I have a room right below Swan and Lauren at Cliff St.. We went Monday to pick out the room. We chose the 25th floor! I don't know if anyone else has ever lived on a 25th floor but I imagine it to be very different. It's two blocks north of the South Side Seaport, which is right next to the Brooklyn Bridge. It is a huge commute to school and studio. I'm excited none the less. My mother and sister are arriving tomorrow afternoon. I hope somewhere within this 24 hours the beer on the floor gets mopped up off the carpet and emptied into a trash along with the dozens of ashtrays filled to the brim containing everything from butts to blunts to roaches and it'd be so nice if Armen would leave for more than 10 minutes. Well, Meryle just called to celebrate 4/20, so I'm going to go relax. I think I'm going to smoke this one for Jackie, she needs it more than me.

05:43 pm: So my computer is partially fixed, again. What a major inconvienence in my life that I just don't need or want. Hey, here's another inconvienence; lately I've been experiencing terrible pains in my abdomen and what not. It's taken me several trips to the health center before finally speaking to a doctor. And do you know what the gyno told me, she told me I should speak to a counselor! Excuse me, I'm bleeding profusely from the vagina and can't eat, and you have the audacity to tell me it's all in my head! NYU...I don't even know how to finish that sentence. Shame on you NYU. Anyways, I'm coming home for Spring Break. I am very excited, I can't wait to see everyone. I know I've already told everybody, but I'm bringing a friend down. I am overjoyed that one of my NYU friends can come see the world that is Plant City. And the most exciting part of coming home, no offense anyone, but the Strawberry Festival!! I am getting a chili cheese dog as soon as I walk through the gate. Also, I figured out how the digital camera works, so expect lots of pictures of lots of stoned people whom you don't know. That's fun for everyone right?

07:02 pm: My bathrooms made of ash
I hope when Laura reads this she realizes the extreme quiet in the room right now;it's just fantastic. I need sleep and I need to be done with this crew assignment. It has not been fun leaving my friends at 8 on friday and saturday night in a blizzard. I'm so happy I did it though, it was about time. This blizzard is the most incredible thing I've ever seen though. NYC is shut down. There is snow everywhere; you can't tell where the sidewalks end and the streets begin. I took a subway up to 28th street and when I got out there were three people on the streets, 3! I had to walk back the 17 blocks, what other chance am I going to be able to walk in a blizzard. My lighter froze within two seconds of being outside. It was so quite. The few people who were on the streets smiled at one another because we all realized this is fucking amazing. It makes walking with your friends so much better too. It doesnt feel like walking, it feels like running and playing. Last night we went outside to throw snowballs at about 10. I'm just thrilled by it, I've never seen anything like this. I finally got the chance to do mushrooms last night. We had such a long day of waiting and freezing. We didn't get them until 1am. But by that time we had been reduced to playing cranium in my room while Monica had about 25 unexpected guests over because it was her birthday,(Swans too). It was as if they all showed up completely shitfaced at the same time. It was awful to listen to them and wait for our fun to start. It was just weird because these kids are drinking and making out with one another in a strangers room thinking they're the shit and here we are just sitting in the dark playing cranium. Little do they know were just waiting on shrooms to come. So they all left and passed out at 130-2, when we just started to trip. It put them to shame. It was a fun night after that let me tell you.

05:11 pm: EVERYONE WATCH BIG MAN ON CAMPUS TONIGHT, FINAL EPISODE!!
I feel as if I should update, so I will. Max and Ricky came up this past weekend, good times. It was a weird weekend but at least they got to see some of my friends. Hopefully this will sort out some of the confusion between swan and lauren and helmer. I've decided that semester will be different than the last. I had so much fun last semester, but a little too much fun. I feel now I need something to do. I haven't wanted any sort of commitment because of the stress that comes with it, but I think I'm ready for it now. I am stage managing a show this Thursday thru Sunday and I signed up to work the ETW run crew with Dan. It's basically two weeks of hell, working everyday for two weeks 10 hours sat and sun and 5 every week day. But I'm so excited for it, I love building the sets. Plus it gives Dan and I quality time together. I went to Studio yesterday, performed an alright monologue. But I can't wait to get in Alices class. I love performing scenes, especially for Alice. And the best part about life right now, SNOW. After class Laura and I went to washington square and made snowballs, talk about fun.

12:19 am: Am I just one chapter of your life, or am I something more?
Can you handle me when I come back?
Let me tell you I've changed.
I've changed beyond recognition.
Will you know who I am?
Will you care?
Does it matter?
I am better.
Better than I was.
Better than I'll ever be.
You may not recognize this change, but it's there.
I'm a better person than when I left.
Is it the people here, or is it this place?
Is it New York?
Is it New york that's doing this to me?
I don't know.
Plain and simple.
I just don't know.
Let it happen.
Let it run it's course.
Everything will be.
Everything will be as you and I are now.
Let it happen.
Let time take it's course.

11:40 pm: for drew
It's ironic the things we do."
-Allie on who we go to for comfort after breakups

11:16 pm: Friday or Tuesday
you know why i would make a good girlfriend, well for the following reasons.
1.) I'm not looking for anything too serious
2.) I've been in a lot of relationships, so I know what the hell I've done wrong before.
3.) I hate the typical pety shit between couples, for example, couples constantly seconding guessing themselves, " are you mad at me, are you sure, you sound mad, well are you going to hang out with you friends tonight because I wanted to see you,". It's like, let the fucking guy be with his friends. But it's not always the girl, guys can be as confusing as hell too. Bottome line is, I'm drunk and the perfect girlfriend, but for my own personal reasons that you're going to have to trust me on. Not that I'm looking for one or anything like that. I just happened to be inspired.

05:23 pm: the trouble with christmas
So here we are, at the end of the year. To say goodbye to our wonderful studio group, Lauren and I are throwing a little party for group A. Since we don't like everyone in the group, we're calling it group A selective trash bash. I think the name is appropriate. This will be the first time I've drank in a while, so I'm really looking forward to it. It'll be lovely having everyone drinking under the christmas lights eating cookies. We're going to see Reckless right now, that should be nice and christmasy. I saw this amazing experimental theatre one woman show last night. It was amazing. I'm really starting to love modern dance and movement. It's amazing how someone can open themselves up like that and make themselves so vulnerable to the audience. It makes me really excited to do our movement project tuesday.
I have no desire to go home. The only reason I want to is to see people, but I just saw everyone so it isn't like I haven't seen them in months. It's going to be so hard to leave here for a month. I missed everyone here after four days, I don't even know what a month is going to be like. I'm not saying I don't want to go home, it's just not a need this time. I am really excited about Christmas though. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. I saw the big tree, went to the NYC ballet's nutcracker, and danced to christmas music. It just doesn't feel like christmas yet. This must be what single twenty somethings feel like. Imagine if you had no where to go for christmas and no family to spend it with, why would you even celebrate it, aside from the whole christ side of it? And even if you did spend it with your friends it still wouldn't be christmas, it would just be another holiday, another reason to have a good time and get fucked up. Either way it doesn't matter for me, because I know as soon as I get home it's going to feel like christmas with all the decorations and the fact that I get home 3 days before it. God I just don't care about anything anymore, in a good way.

12:49 am: That's right Laura, walk out the door. This is the last time you fucking leave me. Just wait Helmer, next time you walk through those doors you'll be greeted by the back of my fist. Is that all I am to you Laura, a whore. well mark my words, I'm no whore anymore.

02:05 pm: Untitled
Finally! Finally is all I can say. I finally have my computer back. It has no viruses anymore; she's clean. It's such a weight off of my shoulders. So I heard the news yesterday. If it happened on wednesday why are we not finding out until now. Why did we have to wait three days? Were they wondering how they would break the news or did they just not know about it. My dad told me and I cried right at the table in downstein. I was going to go read in the park or go to the library but it would have been the only thing on my mind. So I got high with Ben instead and watched Woody Allen movies. It's just such a weird topic to bring up in a crowd. Everyone can see you're upset about something but when you say my dog died it doesn't seem like something to be so upset over. On the one hand, a dog is so trivial. It's just a dog and they come and go, everyone has at least one animal who's death has been tragic. On the other hand, it's your dog. That dog meant something. He was the family dog, Gunther. He had a place in our home even if he was gay and smelled and got annoying. Just because I didn't pet him didn't mean I didn't like him being there. It's so tragic to think that the big cuddly animal in your life, the one who's just there when you go outside because you're upset, the one who will listen no matter what, get's hit by a car! It seems so barbaric to me, that the most disturbing deaths come to those who were so sweet. And it's so awkward to say in a group because no one has anything to say. There's nothing anyone can say and so you all sit in silence for 10 minutes thinking about the time your own dog died or thank god it wasn't mine. But just because no one has anything to say doesn't mean they don't care about it or can't empathize with you. Yesterday was nice; I wasn't really talking about it but I was obviously upset and Drew was there when I found out. So as I was watching a movie silently she brought it up and asked how I was and just listened as I talked about how I felt about this dog. It was a really nice thing in my book. I'm more concerned with my family though. I handle death. But one thing I've learned over the years, the other members of my family cannot. My dad cries over the death of a hamster, I can't imagine how he's taking the dog, even if he did sometimes appear to hate it. And my mother. This dog was the German shepard she had when she was a kid, and he's gone. Gunther meant so much to her. Kate is probably torn up over it. And what's worse is she's probably obsessing over it and is constantly asking my parents questions and bringing him up. But sometimes that's better than trying to make it go away and forget anything happened. Like with Drew, it was nice to talk about it instead of acting like I don't care. But the worst is Jackie. I know how I felt when Stewart died, she's probably feeling the same way. She loved that dog. I think she loved him more than anyone else did; not that it matters who loved him the most, we all did. My dad wanted me to call her. What do I say, "hey did you hear the dog died how does that make you feel?" That's just not the way my sister and I work. I'll figure something out and call her soon, maybe I'll call Kate too. Sometimes I forget I have another sister. I have to stop doing that. On a happier note, I have the perfect Christmas presents for Jackie and Kate.

03:43 pm: Let me just point out that no one commented on my other entries about how wonderful life is, but as soon as I have a bad one everyone jumped on it with comments. Thank you, all of you for that. So Helmer and I redecorated the room, and I personally do not ever want to leave it. It is nothing short of amazing! Kyle-fucking-Kate has finally moved out. Yeah, she left her trash here but at least she's gone. We flattened everything against the walls, so we have so much space in the middle of the room; perfect for dance parties or anxious pacing. Our light also went out, so we thought we better hang the xmas lights early or no one will stay in our room past sunset. These are not your typical college xmas lights. Lets just say all we need is a mariachi band and we have our own Mexican Rest. Ricky if you're ever down on your luck and need a job, come see us. I can't wait for everyone to see it. My bed is now in the perfect spot too. I have a little corner of the wall and a whole wall to lay against. The radiator is right by the bed, so it heats up but the window is right there too, so I get a real breeze on me at night. I never want to get out. I think I'll spend the rest of my life reading in my new awesome bed. This probably isn't going to help me with getting out of the room. Lauren was trying to convince me the other night to go out to this party. I'm just one of those people who would rather stay in and drink or smoke or just read and chill. I see no point in going out in the cold weather to pay for overpriced drinks. I've turned in to quite a homebody. Besides, there is an Adler party every weekend and they're always 10$ all you can drink, they only have vodka and orange juice and beer, and they run out within the first hour. That's just not fun to me. It's nice going out every now and then, but I just prefer to stay in. Maybe I'm just lazy. Actually I know I'm lazy. Well, my roommates just confronted me and are forcing me to go out with them shopping with them. UGH...I want to read...oh well, roommate bonding is just as fun. 2 days!!!!

05:33 pm: fatty fat fat fat fat
My how quickly feelings can change. I'm so tired. I feel so uncomfortable in my own body. I've obviously gained weight since coming here. I'm trying not to let it bother me. I'm trying to tell myself, so what I've put on a few extra pounds and my pants are a little tighter, I still look good. I'll just buy bigger clothes no problem. If a time comes when I need to lose the weight then I just get my ass on a treadmill and lose it, it won't be that hard. This is my inner justification for not going to the gym. I just feel so gross. I came here with a flat stomach and a toned body and now I'm...pudgy. I can't stop thinking about it either. Everything I do reminds me of how much I've changed. I wish I could be happy like this or get to the gym. I've always hated people who complain about being fat and do nothing about it and now I am them. Going to the gym takes so long. It takes about 15 minutes to get ready and get there, 1 1/2 hours to work out, and 30 minutes to get home and reshower. Plus by the time I get back I have to go eat and dining halls are closing, and I can't go to the gym earlier...you can see it's just excuse after another with me. Not to mention, I'm so fucking tired and have so many papers to write and I just want to read!!! Theres no time for any of this stuff, much less the gym. And it really doesn't help that chick fil a, is two blocks away, open till 130, and is part of the meal plan! I just hope whoever picks me up from the airport brings a forklift.

04:11 pm: Owning the Feeling
So I have come to the conclusion in my life; that I must own my feelings,(as if the title didn't give that away). It's something we talked about in my technique class. People's first response to their emotions is labeling them. We immediately turn to pills or a psychological problem. For example, as soon as a slight feeling of depression kicks in that followed a happy day, bi-polar is the obvious explanation for the change. I feel though, we should own the feelings. If you're sad and can't really see why, stop looking for a label to put on it and realize, I'm just sad. Today I'm happy, yesterday I was sad. It's always good to observe yourself and maybe you'll figure out why you're feeling the way you do. Don't deny the feelings you have, just accept that you have them.
As for my feelings right now, because I'm sure you're all wondering, I am so happy. There is no other word; I wish I could pull a hundred dollar word out of my ass, but it just wouldn't describe it. Happy! I'm so happy with everything,(except my computer). The work at school is tedious, but I'm still learning, studio is absolutely fantastic, my friends are amazing, I'm starting to talk to my parents like a real person, NY is cold and wet and wonderful, I'm thrilled to be single, and everyday I'm learning so much. The only thing I want is more hours in the day, and of course Max and Ricky.

12:18 am: Blockbuster, Thank You!!
Ok, Lets explain why I just ran upstairs to update my lj. I was at blockbuster, ( yeah lame for a saturaday night), and I had the best experience! First, I'm standing there deciding what movie to get and I look over because I notice a hear a panting noise, so I turn my head slowly to the left and see a giant cujo sized dog staring at me. He was some adorable mutt and when he looked at me he made this little whine noise that dogs make. Then I get in line and the woman working has noticed the dog too. She's being really friendly to the owners when the dog starts to come to her because she's eating a donut. She begins to freak out a little and jumps on the counter laughing at what's going on. Everyone in the store is laughing with her. This woman is also personally greeting everyone who walks in. She stops what she is doing with a costumer to say hi and ask how people's days were going, and it was as if she genuinely cared. I get up there and she compliments my voice and talks about my movie selection. She was amazingly nice. When I leave this woman next to me says, I don't know how she does it all day and laughs and I say something and we leave saying have a nice night. To a total stranger! It was wonderful. And to walk back to the dorm sober at midnight on Saturday, God NY looks so different. It really brightened my night. I think those simple outings where everyone seems to be working together are the best. There's nothing better than random people coming together for whatever reason. It makes me so happy. I also talked to my dad tonight for a good hour. Most of the hour was about my computer but we did talk about social issues with each other. By social issues I mean where I drink and why I wasn't going out tonight, ( because I spent the whole day in bed recovering), and I told him that! It was very rejuvenating, just talking to my dad like a real human being. God this is a fabulous night! I don't think I have enough exclamation points to express it!!!! I feel so great being sober just hanging out in my own room by myself and going to the other room every now and then to talk to Mon and Swan and watch Law and Order. Yes, I still feel as if life has no meaning or point, but it's these little wonderful nights that make me so happy to be living it.

11:37 pm: Back...But for how long?!
Well, I still don't have working internet, this is just one of those temporary times I get it. I don't even know how to summarize what has happened in the last month. Jackie came and went. I was so excited for her coming. I really needed to see someone from back home and I'm really glad it was her. The only problem was, it took her a while to feel comfortable and by the time she settled in, it was time for her to leave. But none the less, I loved seeing her. Halloween was so much fun! I dressed up like none other than Sally Bowles, but a much sluttier version. Saturday night Lauren and I went to a bar in full costume. I don't know what happened by the end of the night, I don't know how Lauren got home...but all in the name of a good time. On Sunday night we went to the Le Tigre show. It's protesting lesbians and a she-male. They were so much fun. I had a blast, thank you Helmer! I cannot wait for Thanksgiving. I want to go home so bad. Sara summed it up nicely this afternoon, it feels like I'm just on vacation, like I should be going home to stay soon. But it's going to be so nice going back to the real world for a while, and hopefully when I get back I wont hate life so much. But it's not that I hate life, I just see no point in it. It really requires an entire entry dedicated to itself. But I will say this, Max if you continue to write these depressing entrys and continue to make me cry, I will kill you when I see you. It's really not helping my situation. ( But please, don't get me wrong, I like NY and NYU). I just always have trouble wording things so I have so many different emotions inside without labels, then I read max's stuff and realize how sad I am. I wish life weren't so complicated. I wish there were more hours in a day. I wish I didn't have to rely on a computer to get all of my information for school. I wish I weren't getting so fat. I wish I didn't hate life at times, most of the times. I wish I had time to call all of my friends and my parents and actually talk to them about how I'm doing instead of making awkward small talk. I get such a joy from cleaning and hanging up letters and hanging up favorite poems around my desk. I love my new poster of the Presidents of the USA,( not the band). I wish something was easy and didn't turn out to be such a hassle. For some reason everything seems to be fucked up when I try to do it or it's broken. This could really go on for a while and no one wants to hear it. Maybe it was better when I didn't update. I promise, the next will be more uplifting. But to end on a good note, I saw my character teachers one woman cabaret tonight. She is 80 and amazing, she walked on stage and I cried. She was filled with so much life and vigor. It was amazing to see.